Thoughts and prayers are valuable because they put words to our intentions, but they are not enough at the end of the day. What’s essential is action! This comes in the form of personal commitments. We’re all different. We all have different values. We all act in different ways. My actions will not be the same as your actions. What’s essential is that your ACTIONS are in accordance with your VALUES and are in the services of sticking to your PLAN.

MY COMMITMENT

The actions I’m will to take to bring my prayer to fruition in my life and the lives of others are:

1. Model skills in every thought, word, and action. 

2. Share my experiences through my story. 

3. Provide access to essential information. 

4. Teach those motivated to learn more. 

5. Celebrate small successes of self and others. 

6. Encourage everyone to join the community!

MY LIFE COMPASS

Be grateful for every breath taken, every sight seen, every aroma smelled, every morsel tasted, every sound heard, every emotion felt, and every thought thunk. 

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not a given. Be here, now, in the moment, living, loving, breathing, being, connecting, inspiring, empowering, embracing, and THRIVING!!

Given that I believe all humans have the capability of behaving in ways that are more pro-social and thus contributing to the betterment of society, I’ve developed a prayer of sorts:

“I pray that all humankind learns to use the psychological flexibility and efficiency optimization skills necessary to unlock the chains of fear that bind their hearts so they can be open to give and receive deep, unconditional love and finally live lives filled with peace and joy.” 

Developing Psychological Flexibility skills is the only means, from my perspective, to make meaningful and long-lasting changes to address the challenges in your life. This is at the core of everything and is universally applicable because YOU define your values. 

As I was going through some previous writings, I came across this that I wrote as I was just beginning to work through the “Get Out Of Your Mind and Into Your Life” book in October of 2018 – a year and a half later, I’m still a work in progress, but getting better every day. Even on the days when I stray from the plan, I remind myself that too is OK because it’s in the service of living in the moment and attending to the needs of myself and those I love when called to!! We are all human and we all have to learn how to adapt to the changing needs of the moment. 

“I have had enough suffering. I’m ready to get out of my mind and into my life. I’m committed to persistent, active engagement in the process. I’m committed to being unrelentingly honest during the process. I intend for this process to make a difference in my life. I’m willing to fully accept what my personal history has given me while engaging in committed actions directed by my values. I will live a life deeply connected to that which brings me joy: poetry, yoga, nature, photography, hiking, biking, exploring, healing through human connection, and living to my fullest potential. I will live in alignment with the truest version of myself. I will help others discover their true selves.”

These are wonderful intentions and ones that I hold near and dear to my heart. The important next step is clarifying what this looks like on a day to day basis so I can ensure I’m truly living in accordance with my values. There are more barriers that become clearer as we progress – that is one of the coolest things – become much more aware!! This makes change easier. 

As a person, I’ve been through a lot and have had to make some difficult decisions. One of the things I’ve been thinking about lately is how we take action in our lives. We make progress on the things we devote time and energy to… when we feel out of balance, many times it’s due to us not consistently allocating resources to the things we need to get back into balance. 

For me, I think one of the looming issues I have is having crucial conversations with key family members. The problem is, however, that I don’t want to go into these situations without some sort of plan so I avoid them altogether. I truly believe that the issues within my family can be reduced down to issues with psychological flexibility. 

What I would love is for everyone to read about it and complete one of the self-help workbooks… it may not solve everything, but it will get the basic information into the hands of more people. This is definitely a place to start in terms of dissemination. 

I’ve developed a script NOT TO USE – this is an example of the WRONG way to approach this type of conversation. I’m putting this here as a conversation starter – how would you approach this situation in a way that would be much more values-driven, caring and compassionate?

“I’m glad I finally realize who you are and what you value as a person. Knowing what I know about you based on your words and actions towards others and myself, has finally made me realize I’m better off without you in my life at this time. I will not allow you to continue hurting me and the people I love. I truly wish nothing but the best for you and hope that one day you develop the psychological flexibility skills that would support you on your path toward creating more peace in your life. I will always love you, but first and foremost I need to love myself. This is me taking action to create more peace in my own life.”

How could you approach this conversation in a way that would MAXIMIZE the potential of the person responding in the manner you would prefer (i.e., learning more about PF)?

One of my goals is to teach people how to more effectively advocate for themselves. A strategy that I’ve found to be helpful is creating a script. This helps you practice ahead of crucial conversations and serves as a back-up from which you can read if needed. 

Here is an example of a script for a very difficult conversation:

“Your chronic abusive behavior has created a toxic living environment. I am unwilling to continue interacting with you until you receive treatment. My goal in doing this is to protect myself and my family from further exposure to an environment that puts our wellbeing at risk. 

In regard to treatment, I would recommend as a first step completing one of the following self-help books based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:

(1) Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

(2) Learning to Thrive: An Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Workbook 

(3) Reclaim Your Life: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 7 Weeks

(4) The Wisdom to Know the Difference: An Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Workbook for Overcoming Substance Abuse

If you’re in need of more intensive therapy, I would recommend finding a therapist trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. They are listed on the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science website at https://contextualscience.org/“

Clearly this would not be the FIRST step in addressing concerns with a person’s behavior. However, planning for the worst-case scenario is important to put things in perspective. How far are you willing to go to ensure you’re acting in accordance with your values?

Man, it is so interesting to be part of a general education environment in a rural community… the deeply rooted patterns of behavior for students, teachers, and parents and the negative impact they have on the teaching and learning environment is fascinating to observe. Now for trying to figure out the best path forward to create as much meaningful change as possible within the scope of my define duties/responsibilities… such a challenge!!

Welcome, Emily!! I’m so excited that you’re here! What a cool thing you’re doing as a foster parent… I’ve thought about doing therapeutic foster care once we have our house built… there are so many kids who are in need of supportive placements!

Yes!! Finding the answer to “who am I, really?!?” is a tricky one when you’ve been so consumed by career-building, but it’s an important question to answer as it has the potential to open up so much more greatness in our lives. My hope is that the work we do within these courses will help us all figure out the answer to this big life question!

Sounds heavenly!! What games are you into? I’ve been playing Horizon Zero Dawn for a few months, but haven’t made it that far because life always comes ‘a knocking… I would really like to find some more “me time” in my week to play!

My fellow Alaskan!!! 2020 is definitely the perfect year to start making shifts in our lives to becoming better versions of ourselves and learning how to bring out our full potential as behavior analysts and humans in general! I’m so happy you’re here and can’t wait till I can make a trip up to Anchorage to actually meet you in person!

Thank you for introducing yourself, Mary! It’s nice to hear a little about the work you’re doing to improve the lives of others and yourself as well! I truly appreciate the feedback as that is the goal with these courses and more broadly with this community – to create a place where we can collaborate, encourage and support each other along our own personal paths! I’m excited to get to know more about you as the courses proceed over time!

Thank you for introducing yourself Stephanie, it’s so nice to meet you! I’m really excited to see more people like yourself who are looking to take steps to improve their personal lives in the service of becoming more effective in their professional lives! I truly believe this is an essential step to success… we all have really big hearts, but if we don’t take care of our own first that can cause us to leave less of an impact on the world in the long-run!

Yes, I definitely see transportation access as a major issue as well! In our community, the closest regular grocery store is an hour away so many end up buying all their food through the local quick-stop at which everything is double the price! 

What do you see as potential solutions within your community to address this issue?

Yes, I do know of the program! My hope is that one day the schools up here will incorporate something like it as it is a wonderful program with great results!

It’s definitely a tough balance to strike, but at the end of the day we are all humans acting in the service of creating a better world for as many as possible. Change takes time… we can still to good work while tolerating some things we know could be better. If we go in with an attitude of everything being wrong and needing to change everything at once, nothing will ever change!